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Five Keys to Super Natural Connection

| Andy Mason

Everyone dreams of having a great relational connection with a special person with whom you can walk through life’s adventure’s. The challenge is that every great relationship involves conflict (disagreement, miscommunication, missed expectations…) and the closer the relationship the greater the potential for hurt. So how do you restore connection when you have made that mess with the one you love?

Relationship problems

The following process gives you five keys to supernatural connection or the restoration of connection after a relationship conflict. I got this from a personal friend – Steve Box – who is a genius marriage coach. Believe me, this really works.

So, you have made a relational mess and just saying ‘sorry’ is not going to work. You have hurt someone or miscommunicated or just plain been ignorant in a particular situation. You want to fix it but you don’t know how… until now.

Start by getting permission to say something. If they are not ready to hear you, it will take a bit longer. Love involves patience. Assuming you have already heard them, here’s the process:

 

1. This is what I did

Start by  owning and communicating what you did.

 

2. This is how it made you feel

Next communicate your understanding of how your actions/behavior made them feel. Use as many of their feeling words as possible, not your interpretation of their words. For you to do this well, you must have first listened to their heart (feelings). If not, go back to the start and ask them.

 

3. This is how I feel about the way you feel

Now be vulnerable about how you feel towards them, knowing that you caused this pain. “I feel grieved, sad, miserable, disappointed… that you feel…”

 

4. Im sorry

Now you can genuinely apologize. You have owned the problem (your part), communicated what caused the problem, communicated your understanding of how this has affected them and how you feel about that. Look them in the eye and say you are sorry.

 

5. This is what I will do different

Saying sorry is not enough. What will you do to ensure this doesn’t happen again? What is your plan to manage you better?

If you appreciated this blog – you will LOVE Danny Silk’s book Keep Your Love On. It is full of practical tips and tools to build or rebuild strong relationships.

Keep Your love on Danny Silk

 

8 thoughts on “Five Keys to Super Natural Connection”

  1. Love the Danny Silk book Keeping Your Love On. I learned many things from this book but the best part for me was learning the importance of and how to set boundaries.

  2. Some good advice here, I have been in family situations(not necessarily with a partner) where there is a lack of integrity you try to confront it, then it blows up as strategy is to diffuse things by the other party. Trying to work in that environment is not so easy, because you expect folk to be honest when they are not and you find a pack mentality often forms. I guess you just have to walk away? Again one party in a marriage may not be Christian or at the least being a dishonest one, how do you advise in this matter?

    1. Hi Colin, The assumption in relationship is that there is a common goal of connection. The only way to build real connection is to communicate your own heart: “I feel…” “I need to feel…” If the other party do not have a desire to connect to that level then they have decided the level of connection. Keep your love on. Andy

  3. Working out step five is the hardest part. Saying I will do it differently next time is not enough. Change is not simply just a case of “I’ll try harder”, it takes insight and revelation into the ‘why’ or cause of your actions. Presumably when you hurt your partner you are acting out of your own hurts/needs, and you can’t assume that you can overlook these if the situation ever arose again. You need to expand step five into another 10 steps if you really want to provide a catch all solution to marriage problems. By the way Andy, love your work!

  4. Just a point of caution … there is a razor thin line ( or even thinner?? 🙂 between choosing to shift your behavior to accommodate the other person in the relationship and being co-dependent to them ie shiting out of fear … pay attention to what is behind your desire to shift … and maybe focus first on being rooted and grounded in the Love that is God …

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