Everyone dreams of having a great relational connection with a special person with whom you can walk through life’s adventure’s. The challenge is that every great relationship involves conflict (disagreement, miscommunication, missed expectations…) and the closer the relationship the greater the potential for hurt. So how do you restore connection when you have made that mess with the one you love?
The following process gives you five keys to supernatural connection or the restoration of connection after a relationship conflict. I got this from a personal friend – Steve Box – who is a genius marriage coach. Believe me, this really works.
So, you have made a relational mess and just saying ‘sorry’ is not going to work. You have hurt someone or miscommunicated or just plain been ignorant in a particular situation. You want to fix it but you don’t know how… until now.
Start by getting permission to say something. If they are not ready to hear you, it will take a bit longer. Love involves patience. Assuming you have already heard them, here’s the process:
1. This is what I did
Start by owning and communicating what you did.
2. This is how it made you feel
Next communicate your understanding of how your actions/behavior made them feel. Use as many of their feeling words as possible, not your interpretation of their words. For you to do this well, you must have first listened to their heart (feelings). If not, go back to the start and ask them.
3. This is how I feel about the way you feel
Now be vulnerable about how you feel towards them, knowing that you caused this pain. “I feel grieved, sad, miserable, disappointed… that you feel…”
4. Im sorry
Now you can genuinely apologize. You have owned the problem (your part), communicated what caused the problem, communicated your understanding of how this has affected them and how you feel about that. Look them in the eye and say you are sorry.
5. This is what I will do different
Saying sorry is not enough. What will you do to ensure this doesn’t happen again? What is your plan to manage you better?
If you appreciated this blog – you will LOVE Danny Silk’s book Keep Your Love On. It is full of practical tips and tools to build or rebuild strong relationships.